my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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