I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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