Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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