I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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