very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
