My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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