I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Randomize
