If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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