things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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