I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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