why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
