My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
