ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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