You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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