im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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