just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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