I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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