If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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