if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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