on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
