I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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