I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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