If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Damn victory sex feels great
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
