last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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