Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
