I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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