I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
