Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
