11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
