2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
