By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
