I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
