I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
