ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Success! We fucked roommates!
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