I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
