I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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