I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
