Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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