I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
