...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
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I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
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When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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