me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
