just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
