as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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