Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
