I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
