Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
