You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
