In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Who died my cat blue again?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
