Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
