i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
