you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
