I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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