Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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