did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
