I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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