I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You ruined the universe
Randomize
