My balls are so social today.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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