I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
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I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
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you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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