Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
