My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
