she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
