can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
