She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
