Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
