You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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