i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
