I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
